Footprints in the Snow

Well. Its Christmas Eve. Once again. I was outside a moment ago, and the snow is falling, setting a beautiful mood for an otherwise dull day. As I stood in the snow, making footprints, I remember a time when Christmas was the most exciting time of the year for me. If you ask anyone in my family, they would tell you that I lived for Christmas; not necessarily the presents, but the sights, sounds and memories that festive time of year would make for me. This year, however, takes a slightly different approach.

I went to my treatment meeting today, and we watched a movie. It was called Awakenings; starring Robert DeNiro and Robin Williams. The movie was about a doctor (Williams) who worked with patients exhibiting symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. These people seemed lifeless; paralyzed in their own worlds, but knowing of their surroundings. Williams decided to try an experimental drug, to bring life back to the patients. It works, but only for a brief while. Then, the patients are reverted back to their paralyzed states.

Recently, I have been feeling a lot of paralyzation in my own world. I have been going through the motions, hoping each day to gain a better grasp on my recovery and addictions. Many days, there are brief moments of being awakened and excited about the possibilities that life has to offer. Other days, there are definite periods of low, but they have become more obsolete. I am so thankful that there is a definite message in all of these days: Dont Give Up Before the Miracle Happens.  Each day, I learn more and more about myself and the decisions I have made concerning my life up to this point.

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about how depressing it was that I havent given a single gift or have a single gift to open this year, coupled with the fact I havent hung one ornament or put up one decoration. So during my meeting, this thought occured to me: My most precious gift is that of my sobriety. I dont need Christmas to realize how fortunate I am that I am sober, living and have a place to dwell. I also realized the most precious gift that I get to give back, is the message that I deliver to the people in the meetings with me. That is also a constant, all year gift. There are so many people that are ten times less fortunate than I am, that are just happy to be on this earth for another day.

So, the footprints that I have made are not just in the snow. Hopefully, one person will read this message and get something out of it. I am very grateful to be able to express to each of you how happy I am to now be the person I am.  Christmas or not, that gift will keep on giving. For the rest of my life. I want to wish all of you a wonderful holiday season. I love you all.

Red and Green

Red and Green. Everywhere I look, its red and green. I look out the window, from the 39th floor, in a high rise apartment belonging to the fella I hope to spend a long long time with, and I am overwhelmed at all the beautiful colors of the city at night. The needle of the Sears Tower (now known as the Willis Tower) blinks, right in front of me, Red and Green. I look to the right and I see another building, lit up, top to bottom, Red and Green.

Life has had so many twists and turns this year. Today, I talked to my mom for an hour and a half on the phone about life. This marks the first holiday season without my father. This year, I wont be hearing his voice wishing me a Merry Christmas, via his recliner, during his nap in the middle of the big game. Many years have gone by, since seeing him on our last Christmas together, while he was telling me it was ok if i decided to move to Atlanta to pursue my dreams and goals. I cherish all the memories of him playing Santa, being daddy and being my closest friend and confidant.

I told my mother today of my newfound relationship. It hasnt always been an easy venture for me to discuss openly my gay lifestyle. It wasnt on her behalf tho; always mine. I opened up to her today about many feelings that I am experiencing and she is genuinely happy for me. My parents were married for 58 years when daddy passed, so I have always hoped to find a stable, long term happiness. My mom and dad very rarely ever fought, and never in front of me, and for that, I am truly grateful. The second question I asked mom today was how daddy was doing (he lives in an urn on the mantle) and her reply was simply: Wonderful. She followed that up with, I forgot to dust him today, so he might be a bit pissed about that. I love you mom....ha ha ha.

This year, being unemployed for so long, realy took me out of the spirit of the holidays. I have always believed in the true meaning of Christmas, but it has been important to me for so long to shower the ones I love with gifts of thought from me. This year, not having the means, really got to me. Seeing all the happy shoppers, the totally excited kids, and the look on the faces of those in high spirits, isnt exactly easy. But, I have managed to find the courage to accept the things I cannot change, and change the things I can. Hopefully, I will have the wisdom to know the difference.

I met this fella, just a few short days ago, but it feels as tho I have known him forever. Within two days of meeting him, he asked me to spend Christmas with him. He didnt even know that, without this invitation, I would most likely be spending Christmas alone. It has been very hard to accept, with all the tribulations that I have been experiencing this year, that someone could be in interested in me; just me being me. I really hope that I can find the courage not to doubt something that could be so good for me. I am just going to let go, have faith, and jump totally in, feet first; barefoot. I am very thankful for the opportunity and optimistic about our future.

In closing, I want everyone to look around at the Red and Green of your lives. Be thankful for all that you have and dont take anything for granted. Its not about the amount of gifts under the tree, but the love that you have in your hearts, that will carry you through not just a holiday season, but many years.