Footprints in the Snow

Well. Its Christmas Eve. Once again. I was outside a moment ago, and the snow is falling, setting a beautiful mood for an otherwise dull day. As I stood in the snow, making footprints, I remember a time when Christmas was the most exciting time of the year for me. If you ask anyone in my family, they would tell you that I lived for Christmas; not necessarily the presents, but the sights, sounds and memories that festive time of year would make for me. This year, however, takes a slightly different approach.

I went to my treatment meeting today, and we watched a movie. It was called Awakenings; starring Robert DeNiro and Robin Williams. The movie was about a doctor (Williams) who worked with patients exhibiting symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. These people seemed lifeless; paralyzed in their own worlds, but knowing of their surroundings. Williams decided to try an experimental drug, to bring life back to the patients. It works, but only for a brief while. Then, the patients are reverted back to their paralyzed states.

Recently, I have been feeling a lot of paralyzation in my own world. I have been going through the motions, hoping each day to gain a better grasp on my recovery and addictions. Many days, there are brief moments of being awakened and excited about the possibilities that life has to offer. Other days, there are definite periods of low, but they have become more obsolete. I am so thankful that there is a definite message in all of these days: Dont Give Up Before the Miracle Happens.  Each day, I learn more and more about myself and the decisions I have made concerning my life up to this point.

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about how depressing it was that I havent given a single gift or have a single gift to open this year, coupled with the fact I havent hung one ornament or put up one decoration. So during my meeting, this thought occured to me: My most precious gift is that of my sobriety. I dont need Christmas to realize how fortunate I am that I am sober, living and have a place to dwell. I also realized the most precious gift that I get to give back, is the message that I deliver to the people in the meetings with me. That is also a constant, all year gift. There are so many people that are ten times less fortunate than I am, that are just happy to be on this earth for another day.

So, the footprints that I have made are not just in the snow. Hopefully, one person will read this message and get something out of it. I am very grateful to be able to express to each of you how happy I am to now be the person I am.  Christmas or not, that gift will keep on giving. For the rest of my life. I want to wish all of you a wonderful holiday season. I love you all.

Red and Green

Red and Green. Everywhere I look, its red and green. I look out the window, from the 39th floor, in a high rise apartment belonging to the fella I hope to spend a long long time with, and I am overwhelmed at all the beautiful colors of the city at night. The needle of the Sears Tower (now known as the Willis Tower) blinks, right in front of me, Red and Green. I look to the right and I see another building, lit up, top to bottom, Red and Green.

Life has had so many twists and turns this year. Today, I talked to my mom for an hour and a half on the phone about life. This marks the first holiday season without my father. This year, I wont be hearing his voice wishing me a Merry Christmas, via his recliner, during his nap in the middle of the big game. Many years have gone by, since seeing him on our last Christmas together, while he was telling me it was ok if i decided to move to Atlanta to pursue my dreams and goals. I cherish all the memories of him playing Santa, being daddy and being my closest friend and confidant.

I told my mother today of my newfound relationship. It hasnt always been an easy venture for me to discuss openly my gay lifestyle. It wasnt on her behalf tho; always mine. I opened up to her today about many feelings that I am experiencing and she is genuinely happy for me. My parents were married for 58 years when daddy passed, so I have always hoped to find a stable, long term happiness. My mom and dad very rarely ever fought, and never in front of me, and for that, I am truly grateful. The second question I asked mom today was how daddy was doing (he lives in an urn on the mantle) and her reply was simply: Wonderful. She followed that up with, I forgot to dust him today, so he might be a bit pissed about that. I love you mom....ha ha ha.

This year, being unemployed for so long, realy took me out of the spirit of the holidays. I have always believed in the true meaning of Christmas, but it has been important to me for so long to shower the ones I love with gifts of thought from me. This year, not having the means, really got to me. Seeing all the happy shoppers, the totally excited kids, and the look on the faces of those in high spirits, isnt exactly easy. But, I have managed to find the courage to accept the things I cannot change, and change the things I can. Hopefully, I will have the wisdom to know the difference.

I met this fella, just a few short days ago, but it feels as tho I have known him forever. Within two days of meeting him, he asked me to spend Christmas with him. He didnt even know that, without this invitation, I would most likely be spending Christmas alone. It has been very hard to accept, with all the tribulations that I have been experiencing this year, that someone could be in interested in me; just me being me. I really hope that I can find the courage not to doubt something that could be so good for me. I am just going to let go, have faith, and jump totally in, feet first; barefoot. I am very thankful for the opportunity and optimistic about our future.

In closing, I want everyone to look around at the Red and Green of your lives. Be thankful for all that you have and dont take anything for granted. Its not about the amount of gifts under the tree, but the love that you have in your hearts, that will carry you through not just a holiday season, but many years.

Le Firework

Ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Well, for the last few weeks of my life, that was an inevitble situation. Im going to take a moment to show all of you that ANYTHING in this world is possible.

All of my life, I have known that there was something very special inside of me, and I wanted to share it with the world. Ever since I can remember, I have dreamed of being on stage, whether it was in drag, playing music, making people laugh, doing anything I could to bring a smile to someone's  face and a warmth in their life. I have always known that I had something to share, and that no matter what, I was going to do it.

Recently, A lot of that shining light had been shadowed due to some major life altering events in my life. As Most of you already know, I got a dui earlier this year, lost my father, lost my job and then lost my house. All the while, I have kept positive, because I knew that on the the other side of this hurricane was a rainobow. Up until the last few weeks, that rainbow was very very bleak. On October 28th, things started to come into focus.

On that very day, I was sitting in court nervously awaiting the judgement that I would be handed. It could have ranged anywhere from losing my liscense for a year, to a year in jail. My attorney had written an amazing letter about me to the states attorney and unknown to me, there was a meeting held: Including the states attorney, the prosecutetor, my arresting officer and my attorney. There, they all agreed to reduce my charge to a reckless driving. So, my attorney was told to keep quiet until the day of my trial. As I stood there and received my judgement, I realized that I had been given a second chance. A scond chance to make the impact on the world that i wanted AND a second chance to get myself in a good place. I was also sentenced to 75 hours of treatment and 1 year of aftercare. No biggie.

So, two weeks later, since I had lost my real job, and was running out of money, to go back to Atlanta. I sold all of my furniture, half of my wardrobe, and most of my personal belongings. I was ready to go. But, divine intervention had another plan. In the next 24 hours my life would change. Forever. It all started with my friend, Liz, and Katy Perry. Liz had asked me to stay an extra two days to go with her to court for her custody battle with her soon to be ex-husband. I had NO IDEA how much this decision would change my life. I agreed, and chanegd my ticket. Again. Mind you, the first ticket I had gotten was denied due to not having any seats left on the plane. Again, divine intervention. So, the night before court, I met an amazing friend who literally shook up my head and said what are you doing???? Why are you running and where are you running to? Remember, no matter where you ago, there you are. That night, Liz also came home and immediately put on a music video and said, I heard this song, and instantly thought of you. So, I sat there, mesmerized and listened. Word for word. That song, was Firework. By Katy Perry. That night, my light was ignited. The next day, we had a devastaing blow. Liz lost her custody battle to a convicted child molester, her ex-husband. It was all over the news, the papers, and we couldnt hide from it. I truly hope there is justice in this world, and the appeal will overturn the ruling. For me, it was a catlyst in pushing me to do things I have never done before. I have had that song on repeat for four days now. I cant tell you the impact that it has made on me.

So, I started looking for treatment centers, found one, got accepted and will be starting in 1 week. After treatment is done, I will be attending Second City., which is an acting school here in Chicago. Many famnous names have come from this school. I want to encourage all of you, no matter how dark the sky, ignite the light and let it shine. For you all Firworks in our amazing show.

True Friends

I have been all over this country, right? I have met people from all walks of life. I have been immersed in many different cultures; and introduced to many different ways of thinking. One thing that I have learned all aross my travels, is the way we pick and choose our friends. I have had the same best friend for now a little over 5 years. Jeffrey has been through it with me; the ups, downs, turns and swerves we have been through should be placed somewhere between a major motion picture and a lifetime miniseries. Susan Lucci will play me if we air on lifetime; Kathy Griffin will if I get on the big screen.

My friends are have always been one of the biggest parts of my life. I dont really get along with my family, so most of the people that are my friends fit into a family space in my head. Huy, my little brother to torment (lol) Liz, my big sister (who torments me :-) ) Maia, my evil twin and so on and so on. Well, today, I got a big shock from one of my other friends. Someone who I thought was a very good friend, acrually stabbed me in the back, pretty heavily, to make herself look good to someone else. Normally, I would look the other way, move on and be done with it. This time, however, I am going to stand my ground. I find it very odd that someone could so easily turn on someone they call a friend. The people who are in my life that I call friends, should wear that title very proudly. It comes with strength, determination, caring and love. I will no longer stand to be run over, or mistreated by any individual on this earth. We are all here for the same reason, and that reason is NOT to bring hurt or malice to anyone elses life. I am really sick and appalled at the way people just through the use of the word friend around; its just like saying "sorry" when you really dont mean it. People need to be held accountable for their actions. My friends know, that in the event that I am wrong, or have hurt them, they will immediately let me know what I have done wrong.

People dont always agree on things; this is a given. But to bring intentional hurt to someone, just because you want attention, or need to feel good about yourself, is an evil thing. I hope that through all of this, someone will get the message that we are all in tough times, and that we need to be strong for each other, not just for ourselves.

I am going to define a friend for you, very simply: A friend is someone, who no matter what, tells you exactly how they feel, stands up for you, helps you in times of need and loves you unconditionally. At least, in my head, that's what a friend is. A friend takes you to doctors appointments, gives you apple juice when you have low blood sugar and picks you up off the floor when you have fallen and hit your head. These are the things that I remember happening. I would like too say thank you to all the friends in my life, the real ones, the ones who have stood by me through all of my troubles this year. The people who have loved me for me, and not what I can give or do for them, are the ones I am most grateful for.

Friendship doesnt grown on trees. You can fabricate it, you cant make it happen when Its not there. Just make sure that when you have people come into your life, make sure its for the right reasons. Make sure that people know what they can gain just by being your friend. Dont, however, let people take advantage of this gain. I have seen it so many times lately, people sucking the life out of others, for their own doing.

I want each of you, right now, to make a list of the people in your life that have done something good for you lately. Then, pick up the phone and remind them that they are important; that they are loved, and most importantly, that they are your friend.

Advice from Strangers

ok. So i am gonna talk about the most important piece of your makeup: SKINCARE!~!!!!!!!~! Now, remember folks, I am by no means a doctor, But i have had 8 years of experience selling and using various types of skincare. I have worked for such lines as Lancome, Estee Lauder, MAC, Prescriptives, Y.S.L. and philosphy, just to name a few. So, I'm gonna give you the skinny on what to really look for when choosing your skincare regime.

Let me start off by saying this: Price tags mean ABSOLUTELY nothing, especially if you get yourself a 300 dollar jar of beeswax and it sits in your cabinet, unused. Also, for those of you who are lazy, and expect extreme results, find yourself the nearest frying pan and hit yourself in the head with it. I cant tell you the amount of times that I have had clients bring an unused jar of moisturizer back to me and say, "Its not doing anything." My question is always this: "Are you using it?" Answer: "No." I scratch my head and move along. You must have dedication to get the results that you want. Whether you are using a 5 dollar or 300 dollar jar, it will happen if you are dedicated.

I wanna speak about advice from strangers, too. How many of you are afraid to walk up and ask for advice from someone you dont know, especially at a cosmetic counter?  How many of you watch Oprah or Ellen on a regular basis, and run right out and buy what they tell you to? Its the same concept. You no more know Oprah than I do. SOOOOOOOO dont be afraid to ask these people for help, that is what they are there for. Now, granted, you SHOULD do LOTS of product research before you make a plan. Each counter is trained by its standards to sell you whats in its cases, whether you like it or not. I will tell you, there is a simple solution to the overwhelming amount of products that are available.

First off, you need to decide what your target skincare need is. You cant just buy a regular mositurizer and expect it to take away wrinkles or sun damage. Its not magic. You can however beat the wrinkles and lines if you find the right regime. For those of you ladies who are in your early 20's, this is the crucial point for you to be able to fight off anti-age at the pass. I urge all of you in that age group, to at least have yourself an eye cream. Most important product for you. You will thank me in 10 years. Trust.

Washing the face is a super crtical part of your routine. First off, DO NOT USE MAKEUP REMOVER AS CLEANSER. It does not work that way. You should remove all of your makeup and then cleanse your face. If you use a cleanser in lieu of makeup remover, cleanse your face TWICE. Simply because on the first round, all you are doing is breaking down the makeup, not actually penetrating the pores and dermis to clean it. For you oily kids, get yourself something that is a foaming gel. Gel cleansers are generally designed for oily skins, however, most gel cleansers will leave you dry. Even if you are oily. This in turn, will cause you to over produce oil, and therefore have yourself a nice little breakout. Foaming gels actually give you the deep clean of a gel, but add detergents and things that will foam, and not let you dry out. They act sort of like a hydrator. Combo skins, always use a foaming facewash. Works SO much better. Keeps you dry where you should be, and oily where you should be. So, all of your face is happy :) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not buy a cleanser with a built in exfoliator. All they do is strip the skin of the essential oil you need, and will dry you out. There is NO need for ANYONE to exfoliate every day (unless your face is made out of leather) Dry skin people: Get a HYDRATING creme cleanser. (estee lauder cream cleanser) You will thank me for the hydration. As far as exfoliators, thermal are the BEST. Used 2x a month, these exfoliators are self heating, giving you a SUPER good deep exfoliation.

Mositurizers come in all shapes and sizes. Truly, until you decide what your REAL need is, there are plenty of BASIC creams that will hyrdate you and provide anti-oxidant protection. Plain and simple. Do your research, but I will tell you that I love Hydramax from Chanel, and I love Daywear Plus from Lauder. The difference is the PRICE. Honestly. Now, as far as mass market goes, my best experince has been from Olay Regenerist. Works good for the budget. Got the same results as with my cream from Lauder.

Serums are my FAVORITE. There is one product in the world that I will not live without. The worlds NUMBER 1 serum is Advanced Night Repair. Estee Lauder. By FAR the best on the market. I did a test with a 450 dollar serum and my 49 dollar ANR KICKED ITS ASS. Not even kidding. It holds 1500 times its weight in water (proven fact) which is CRUCIAL for skin cell turnover at night. It will also boost the action of whatever moisturizer you put on top by 200%. YOu should always have a seperate day serum. I like Olay Regenerist for my day. Actually helped take away some sun damage on my neck. LOVE it.

So, thats a little more on my skincare tactics, If you have any questions, leave me a comment. I must eat now.

Robins

Today was a very interesting day for me. I was going to bring you all a column on skincare, but I had something truly extraordinary happen to me today. Let me set the scene for you.....

I woke up this morning feeling exceptionally anxious. I have had many road blocks and obstacles to overcome this year. Starting with the end of my relationship at the beginning of the year, getting myself a dui and becoming sober, and most recently, losing my job over comments on facebook. All of these problems have brought great financial and mental strain to my life. I have fought hard to maintain my apartment and most importantly, my sanity.

Anxiety is something that I have dealt with almost my entire life. Everything from headaches to panic attacks, its all been there. I wouldnt wish any of this on my worst enemy. I have recently been struggling with the fact that I didnt have a full-time job. Its very hard to pay the bills and keep everything in place when you dont. I have tried everything from medication to breathing excercises to relieve me of the anxiety, all to no avail. Today I discovered something magnificent that really helped me.

Fast forward to today: My really close friend and neighbor, Robin, had a doctors appointment this morning for bloodwork. I offered to go along with her, so she wouldnt be alone. We always have such fun together, laughing and what not. So, off we went, to the doctors. She has known for a few days that I have been in a stress funk. So, she starts off our music selection with Miss Whitney herself; I didnt know my own strength. We talk about the relevance and the significance of these lyrics in our lives today. I  know that times have been tough, not just for me, but for everyone. Nonetheless, I have chosen to suck it up and keep a smile on my face; or so I thought.

We get finished at the dr. appt, and Robin tells me she wants to take me somewhere. I reluctantly agree, seeing as how I havent really been up to much lately. The next thing I know, we are in the woods, walking down a most beautiful trail. I began to take in all my surroundings; the earth, the sound of the river nearby, and just the peace of nature.  We walk for about half a mile, and we come upon a huge clearing with a giant stone fireplace, a few picnic tables and a grand patch of beautiful, kelly green grass. She instructs me to take off my shoes, turn off my cell phone and walk out to the middle with her. I agreed and did so.

I layed there for about 5 mins, and the clouds opened to the most gorgeous sun I had ever seen. It was so relaxing, and I could literally feel my anxiety stripping away from me. We then got up and she took me to a beautiful old wooden bridge, right across the way. I grabbed my phone for some music. I turned on Pandora and prayed for a song to commemorate the moment. I got my wish. Carrie Underwood has a profound song for me: Wasted. As of today, I am 120 days sober. 4 months. Robin told me to take her hand, and cross the bridge. She also said that when we get to the other side, our troubles are to be left behind. Even If just for the day. I did so, listening to Carrie all the way.

We got to the other side, and my heart was truly lifted. I said, I am ready to face the world again. We started crossing back, and walking to the place where we had left our shoes. I asked for a sign, a sign from the earth, telling me that we were doing the right thing, and that our paths were eventually going to clear. At that precise moment, we turned and looked at the open patch of grass. Tears started streaming down BOTH our faces. I counted, and there were 18 Robins spread out on the grass. There had been no birds there before. Robins are a symbol of grace and comfort. Especially for me, because my mother loves Robins.

I urge each of you, whether you suffer from anxiety, stress, or nothing at all, to outside. Soak up the Earth. Seek out the sources of your stresses. Eventually, your robins will come. In many forms, you will see them.

Sound It Out

So today, I felt like hearing some sounds of my youth.... which meant I wanted to hear some band music. Thank goodness for youtube. I was feeling a little sad, and wanted to be uplifted. So, I pulled up youtube, typed in Ashland Park Overture, and crossed my fingers. Literally, within seconds, there were hundreds of videos of high school bands playing this very song. I clicked on the first one I saw and was instantly drawn back to memories od my youth, and my father. My Daddy passed away July 5th of this year.

I started High School Band late, 10th grade actually. Let me tell you first, I SUCKED. Bad. But, my parents, who by this time were already in their 60s didnt care. My mom pushed me to practice every day and daddy wanted to hear taps, every night after dinner (much to the dismay of the neighbors and the neighborhood dogs). Pretty soon, I would be playing every single chance I got, and absorbing as much music as my veins could stand.

The summer of 1995 was my first band camp. I was ridiculousy bad at that too, but no one ever knew. I marched across that field, as if it were my very own. Soon enough, Friday night half times became my time to shine. My parents, tho, had the biggest thrill; or so I think. My two nieces were in band as well, so this truly became a family affair. My sister would cart us back and forth to practice, and then when I got my licesnce, I would. Daddy was a school bus driver, so he drove us to every single away game.

My parents never left the sidelines. It was such a moment of pride for me and them at every half time. I was their little shining star. I guess my nieces were too. My senior year, however, would hold my biggest accomplishments to date. I became first chair trumpet that year, and was assistant drummajor as well. I thought I had really arrived. I wanted to do as much as I could in that halftime show, as it was my last. I even twirled rifle during the drum feature; I was on fire. Senior year also sucked, because right in the middle of marching season, my best friend moved away. The band, however, played on.

But soon enough, I would gradute and go on to college band. My parents couldnt some see me for those games were too far away and mom and dad werent in the greatest of health. It was hard not having someone there to watch you. Weird, I know. I remember the night we had the performance of a lifetime. It was at the state marching contest for high school bands. There were over 150 bands there that night, watching us after they competed that day. Right as we were going on the field, I turned to my friend,Sarah and said I sure wish my mom and dad were here watching me. Just as we were starting to perform, Sarah yells to me across 5 yards and says "Matthew, I'm watching you". I had the performance of my life. Someone was witness to it.

So, now back to youtube. I watched and listened, and it literally opened the floodgates for me, both memory and tears. My parents never missed anything I did, and for that I am forever grateful. I am so thankful that I can have the music of my youth to energize those memories back into play, letting me relive them. If you have someone special in your life, whether its a child or a best friend, be INVOLVED. Bear witness to what they experience. Help them feel proud of the person that you appreciate.